I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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