He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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