my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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