While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
