LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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