Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
