The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize