I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
