You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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