my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
