i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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