Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
