I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
