Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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