my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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