i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
