just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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