i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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