Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
