we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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