i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
