i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
