Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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