I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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