New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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