if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
