if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize