there's paper in my vomit.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize