We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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