you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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