Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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