as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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