I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize