dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
