if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
All I want is dick and wine.
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