my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
