There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
