the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
