Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dicks are not precious.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
