3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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