First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
