The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
