the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
