Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
