I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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