my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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