But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So many bounce houses so little time
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
