Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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