Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
