I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
