I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
