I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
