I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
