1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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