no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
