The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
