She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
someone owes me an orgasm
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Randomize
