Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
