The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
please come you make the beer taste better
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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