this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
